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There is an urge to write,
to let go ,
to let off
all the random thoughts,
some sacred , some vile,
but all mine ;
The thoughts have no connection,
no links ;
These are not waters of a
mountain stream
continuous , inseparable ;
My thoughts are like fire crackers,
exploding random ,
startling even me !
There is this question of existence
your ,
mine ,
( - and then there are others ) ;
The " what " and the " why " of
our lives,
your,
mine ;
There will be some difference
( to others ),
if I were to cease
to exist ;
None to me,
nor to you -
although I am not too sure
about a life after death ,
about re-incarnation,
about finding you in the
world beyond ;
But then
what do I have to look forward to ,
if I continue to breathe,
for another 20 years ?
Death ,
born out of " Shradhha "
( to be united with you,
in the next life ),
would certainly be better ;
But before I go to sleep,
I pray for your long life ;
Paradoxically ,
or is it my reverence for you ?
or for life ?
There is one mission to fulfill though ,
one obligation ;
To lessen the suffering of those
others,
who have come to depend upon me ,
for whom my life
could be a means to fulfill
some ambitions ;
I cannot desert them ;
Whether this is my ego
or an excuse to continue my
stale breath ,
I cannot say ;
There is also this question
of
your wanting to go with me -
How desperately though ?
I am ashamed to
even think of this -
You have not failed me so far
whereas
I have been a renegade ;
I have deserted you in the past,
almost :
I have been a weakling
I have let you down ;
So it is I
who should be asking myself ,
how desperately do I wish
to follow you
to the other world ;
I have a need
to prove to myself
that I am worthy of
your blind trust ;
-------------------------- [ A ]
This one supreme sacrifice
can cleanse my past ;
once again
my glazed eyes can
rest upon your face
without feeling guilty
( I beg you , my friends
not to close my eyelids
when I am dead ,
unless
you have gifted my eyes
to bring light
into the life
of an unfortunate blind )
--- Most whom I
( or we ? )
leave behind ,
might think of this
as an act of cowardice
- a running away from responsibilities ;
I beg their pardon,
( I admit ),
for a few minutes of cowerdice
and it is not in our defence
that I beseech them
to ponder over
the tremendous ( almost heroic ),
courage
that you have shown , in particular
and
that I have shown to a lesser extent
during the decades gone
the years of agonies,
the tears of agonies,
that were camoflaged
beneath
two smiling faces ;
I am glad
they could not read the depths
of our eyes !
Yes , dear ones ,
we have tried to grow an
Aso-Palav ,
atop a blazing volcano !
And all those souls
who ever wish to be united
in the life beyond death ,
let them take a small branch
of this Aso-Palav
and plant elsewhere
and tend gently , lovingly
with unflinching faith
in what lies beyond
and the faith will
come true ;
the faith of Aso
and the faith of Palav ;
-----------------------
21 Nov 1980
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